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Holly:
I want to talk about creating true partnership in marriage. I am coming to you live from my apartment, separate apartment in our family home. We took out a loan and finished the basement and created space, because that's what we figured out our relationship needs. So Jason and I have our own separate space where we can do what we need to do to take care of ourselves and build a true partnership.

Holly:
I'm going to settle down here in my cozy little corner and talk to you about creating true partnership in marriage. For me, it's really a matter of both people in the relationship, being able to occupy a follower or leader role, depending on the situation and some level of agility, and how the individuals are able to bounce into different roles. And this is the exact opposite of what we're conditioned for. Right? The person who's conditioned to be a man is conditioned to be the leader. And the person who's conditioned to be a woman is conditioned to be a follower. And there's a lot of difficulty in making that switch. That agility to play whatever role makes sense based on who has the expertise in that situation, is true partnership. So when that's missing, that's the key, is that agility and everyone being able to follow and being able to lead. So let me give you a real life story. My real life. My real marriage.

Holly:
A couple of months ago, the task at hand was cleaning the dog. The automatic conditioned response was for Jason to start leading and for him to get into the role of leadership, which looked like him bossing North around and manhandling the dog. And I felt my anxiety rise, and I observed the anxiety increasing in my dog and my kid. And I called it off. I was like, "Wait, wait, wait, no, wait, we're going to take a break. We're going to take a breather. Let the dog go. North leave the room." Jason and I are like... "What?" It's tense, stressful. And Jason was irritated at first, wondering what the problem was. And I said, "I am the right leader for this job. Dog handling is literally on my resume, and conflict and relationships and all that stuff is on my resume, I am the right leader for this job."

Holly:
Still frustrated, he was like, "Okay, fine. You do it. What?" And I was like, "No, I don't want the pendulum between you control it or you drop out." The frustration is still a little bit there. He's like, "What do you want?" And I said, "I want cooperation. I want you to get on my plan and cooperate with me and be an active, enthusiastic participant in following my lead on washing the dog." We did it, we got the job done. He immediately was like, "Oh, okay." Because we had so many conversations, he knew and understood the language that I was using. I knew and understood it. We'd had so many conversations and had done so much work, and years and years and years and years of therapy, to determine that we were in alignment about wanting a partnership. We clicked into a place where he was following my lead pretty easily and got the job done with ease and some fun.

Holly:
But when you don't have that, and presumably you're here because you do not have true partnership, you're not able to access reliably true partnership where you're quickly identifying the right person for the leadership position in any given scenario and then everybody's cooperating in a teamwork way to get it done. So what does that look like when it's missing? That's a bunch of resentment. Those are situations where, with every task that needs to be completed, every decision that needs to be made, there is an oppositional interaction resistance, even if it doesn't turn into a full on fight, it doesn't flow with any sort of smoothness towards a common goal. And that resentment is from low level anger. It's because these situations where there are decisions to be made and tasks to be accomplished happen all the time.

Holly:
We're managing meals and money and schedules and vacations all the time. And to be stuck in a place where you can't move through it with partnership and teamwork smoothly means a very stressful, constantly, I'm starting and stopping lifestyle that creates that low level building, cumulative, unprocessed anger, that is resentment. The scenario in a lot of these relationships is one where your husband or partner takes the leadership role, per yuzh, that just slips into the conditioning and then casts you in a role of enemy employee or incompetent caretaker. And I'll go through these roles that you can be cast in. Of course, any role you're cast in, you do not have to play. The casting of the role can be something that helps you see the pattern that you're in. So I'll explain these three. You can let me know in the comments, whether you watch this live or later, whether you relate or resonate with being cast into the enemy employee or incompetent caretaker role.

Holly:
In the enemy role where your husband or partner has jumped into the lead and you assert or disagree, they feel attacked and assume that you are out to get them or put them out in some way. No matter how many days in a row you act like an earnest, honest, hardworking woman showing up in your relationship to be trustworthy and consistent and get all the things done and show love and give care to your family, there can still be that switch where you're like, "Why in the heck would I be out to get you, or trying to put you out?" But that comes from the conditioning of him being conditioned to be the leader and you conditioned to be the follower, and any disruption to that can create this enemy scenario.

Holly:
In the employee scenario, he automatically takes on the role of making the decisions, but does not necessarily automatically take on the role of doing the labor, and assigns you tasks while clearly being the one driving bus, being the one in control. And in the incompetent caretaker role when you get cast as that, when you're like, "What?" This could be really frustrating and add a whole new level to the resentment, because it essentially makes you responsible for how he feels. He assigns you the job of being responsible for how he feels. "I feel bad, it's your fault. You better do something." And it's not a humble request for something he needs. It's not an insightful understanding and knowing and owning of a need that he has. It is an assumption that you have dropped the ball or missed something in your duties because of how bad he feels. That's the evidence that you fucked up. So that one can be so frustrating, because it's so unfair.

Holly:
Having this lack of partnership in your relationship and this difficulty accomplishing decision-making and regular life tasks requires an enormous change to turn it around. And then a change that big requires a catalyst. It requires an intentional decision to turn the ship. A decision, a plan, and an execution of the plan to turn this big gigantic ship. Is this how you turn the ship? I don't know. But a big ship, because your relationship and the patterns that you are both bringing to it are just barreling down the path of continuing the cycle. It doesn't always look the same zoomed in, but zoomed out, it does. We are so hardwired to continue to do what we've always done, that making a change into partnership is such a reversal, really, of what you've been doing. It's not a subtle shift, it's a real... turning the Titanic to head away from the iceberg situation to create a partnership. And that takes a catalyst.

Holly:
It takes a real intentional system for making that kind of transformation. It means making the space and time to slow down so you can hear your true self, get in touch with you. Harness the wisdom of your patterns. Really start to become an expert. See the anatomy of the cycle that you're in and understand where your choice points are. Execute your boundaries to protect your energy. Really having hard conversations that make changes, that state with your personal power what is going to change in the situation. Recreating and attracting the relationship you want, because making a change this big might mean and be an opportunity to remodel your marriage, or end it and find attract. A partner where partnership, true partnership, is possible. It will always be a ton of work. And then, you also need the time and space to own that energy that you've protected and march towards your goals. The catalyst is really about turning the spotlight from him and the relationship onto yourself.

Remember- when one person in a relationship changes, the relationship itself changes. If your husband makes you the enemy no matter what you do to prove yourself sincere, you can become a catalyst in the relationship with your personal power no matter what he does.